A part of me… December 6, 2006
So, over the past few years, I’ve grown accustomed to the word: Depression. Its a sad and negative word but it’s been a part of me and I can’t seem to shake it off. I constantly try to fight it day in and day out. Some days, everything is good and dandy while other days, I just don’t want to get out of bed. I try to look on the brighter side and appreciate all that God has given me thus far but yet I still linger on the not so bright things. This week would have been 1 year since we lost my mother in law. I love her and miss her so much! I remember when she welcomed me into her home for the first time, how she taught me to cook certain traditional Laotian dishes, and even when we used to go grocery shopping. I even remember a funny moment after she found out that she had cancer. She had asked me to wash her wig since it was flat because it came in the mail from Toon or Panya. I’m not sure if it was the fact that I hadn’t washed a wig before and didn’t know what I was doing or that wigs can’t be washed, but the wig turned out looking like an afro! When I handed it to her, I felt so bad but yet she still thanked me and founded a way to make it work for her.
Another heartache during this time of year is one of my close friends, Ivy. Ivy left this world about 2 years now. She was my card making buddy, but we were more like sisters. After one of her brothers and my cousin had gotten a divorce, Ivy and I became good friends. We were each other’s support system during the divorce. We would talk to each other on the phone for hours since she had insomnia and I was just a night owl. We’ve been through a lot together! We used to go shopping together, enjoy meals together, and would just hang out and do nothing. She was always encouraging me to try new things and to have a positive outlook in life. She was always cheerful and considerate of others even though she was battling a deadly disease inside of her since she was a child. Ivy had lupus and eventually that’s what killed her. I really miss her during the holiday season since we used to go to a local stamping store to get our supplies and then go to each other’s homes to make handmake christmas cards. Ever since she’s been gone, I hadn’t had much motivation to make any type of crafts. I still have so much unfinished items. On top of that, I’m trying to make Christmas cards this year.
Sometimes, out of the blue, I would think of my dad, or my mother in law, or Ivy or now, even my grandma. I find joy though since I know for sure that I’ll see my mother in law and my grandma someday but I’m not sure if I would see my dad or Ivy again. Ivy was in a coma for a little while (1 month) before she died so I’m not sure if she rededicated her life to Christ. As for my dad, I’m not sure either since his alzheimer killed him. I still find it hard to drive near the cementary since that’s where my dad, Ivy and my grandma’s remains are.
But I don’t want depression to run my life. I want to be able to live life and not dwell on the past. How does one overcome this? I want to enjoy each moment that I have with my husband and with both sides of our families. Lord, please heal the hurt that I’m facing and flurish me with Your Love! Help me to enjoy life and to live for You each day!
